Beauty Marks

A really lousy name

2012-01-03T20:29:19Z

I have no choice but to assume that these socks are uncomfortably itchy:

NO, IF YOU CHANGE THE SPELLING OF A GENERIC TERM IT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO CLAIM TRADEMARK RIGHTS. How many times have I said that in my 22-year career in trademark law?

BUT THERE'S MORE: If you are going to change the spelling in a misguided attempt at distinctiveness, could you try not to change it to a word that brings horror to the mind of mothers everywhere?

BONUS POINTS: Alaskan Nits? Made in North Carolina.

Garden State-style?

2012-01-03T19:45:44Z

I thought that the cacophony emanating from Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of New Jersey had dissipated a bit. I think Bulova got the message a bit late, and a bit off course:

I guess it's better than the Secaucus Collection, but not by a lot.

N.B. Hey, I can diss Jersey - both my parents are from there. I did serious time as a child in a car on the fetid northern end of the Turnpike. I know whereof I speak!

Saving space

2011-12-29T21:24:03Z

I am sure I bought this lovely Airwick candle because it was on sale. It's winter, and I'm cooking a lot, and I like to give the house a fighting chance not to smell like a soup kitchen. But I managed to get a chuckle out of this packaging:

That's right, the LIMITED ÉDITION LIMITÉE! Someone finally figured out that Americans can read the word "ÉDITION" as "edition" even with an accent mark over the E! But there's more - les Canadiens français can actually grasp the meaning of ÉDITION LIMITÉE even with that superfluous "LIMITED" preceding it!

I'm guessing this was an inspired solution to the issue of limited packaging real estate, and I applaud it. Work with those cognates in both French and Spanish!

Meanwhile, on a much less trivial note, warm wishes to you all for a happy and healthy 2012, and thank you for keeping up with my meanderings, trivial and otherwise!

Drinking with my ladybrain V

2011-12-13T13:30:23Z

Here is a wine that speaks softly yet still carries a big stick. What the hell do I mean by that? While its name by no means falls into the "bitch category," I know it's speaking to me.

Heaven only knows that one of the pleasures of wine is its power to help take the edge off a tough day. Yes, it helps you relax:

This is a German riesling from Schmitt Söhne, and I think they were smart to ditch their mouthful of a German name in favor of something easily marketable and pronounceable. Relax is low in alcohol, refreshing on the palate, and was a lovely complement to the cheese you see in the photo behind it. No, it's not a complex wine, but for the $7 or so I spent? Well worth it. Though it's neither festooned in pink nor bitchy, the sleek design and succinct name are nonetheless subtly targeted to women, in my view, as it conveys just exactly what my having-it-all generation wants to do after a day of multitasking.

(Thanks to my pal Jody for those gorgeous riesling glasses!)

Every party needs a pooper?

2011-12-08T23:37:23Z

Or that's what this ad for Santa Margherita prosecco would seem to be suggesting:

I'm sorry, but too much prosecco usually means No. 1. Yes, I'm twelve, but it's totally their fault! It appears that the ad campaign actually is the second in a series of prosecco experiences - but hey, unless I see the series seriatim, my mind goes to the toilet.

Just a cautionary tale ...

Thinking about drinking with my ladybrain

2011-12-07T03:50:51Z

So what William Grimes in the NY Times doesn't ask is this: Are the wines with these rude names worth drinking? I guess I'll have to do the dirty work. If the "bitch category," as he phrases it, actually has some good wines to offer, I'll throw my hat in the ring, or tip my glass, or whatever metaphor needs mixing. If not, I'll just stick with this bitch:

Turning up my nose ...

2011-11-17T23:18:21Z

It's doctor visit season, and both our ophthalmologist and dentist have excellent magazine selections. The receptionist at the dentist's office actually laughs at how voraciously I snatch the People copies from the racks. Yesterday's haul: pop star perfumes.

This ad, for singer Taylor Swift's "Wonderstruck," certainly struck me with wonder:

Could the packaging be any schmaltzier? Could the name be any clunkier?

But this one, as the Penn State abuse scandal and coverup brew and curdle, really makes me uncomfortable:

Someday I'll be old enough to grow facial hair? Someday it won't be disgusting that this older woman is leering at me? Someday I will no longer be ubiquitous? (As a mark on its own, Someday wins in the cage match against Wonderstruck, hands down. Not clunky, and always, at least to me, evocative of one of the best Disney songs ever.)

I understand the marketing machinery behind celebrity-branded perfumes (largely because I read - and loved - this book.) And I am reasonably certain I am not in the target demographic for either product. But the Bieb's launching a fragrance bothers me: he's a 17 year-old boy who looks like a 13 year-old girl being nuzzled by a mid-20-something woman. Who are they targeting? I don't think I want to know. And don't even get me started on that bottle! It's all way too suggestive for me, and I don't care if that makes me a crotchety old lady.

Maybe there should just be a rule: No celebrity fragrance till you're 25. If I were boss, it would be!

Not again!

2011-10-18T14:07:32Z

Okay, who's the wiseguy who sneaked this one through?

Yes, it's a doozy. Have I not said before that (a) you shouldn't use weight-related terminology when marketing to women; and (b) you should check Urban Dictionary before settling on a product name or trademark, particularly when your colleagues are snickering as you proudly announce the new Chubby Stick? (Did they even look at the product?)

I once again turn to Arrested Development for validation of my discomfort with this name, and shall let the words of Tobias Funke illustrate the magnitude of this naming decision.

I'd say they blew it.

Drinking with my ladybrain IV

2011-10-17T18:52:42Z

This one's pretty shameless. I can only imagine the tired marketing conversation that birthed "Little Black Dress" as a wine brand targeted to women. Fact is, though, the wine's not bad. Varietally correct, decent fruit, good with food. You can even see here that we managed to consume about half of the bottle:

But for the life of me, I cannot fathom what would prompt the marketers of a product targeted to women to put a wire hanger on the label. Mommie Dearest is the least of it - the wire hanger is, more poignantly, a potent symbol of illegal abortion, and the pain and indignity women suffered before Roe v. Wade.

I'm all for pinot noir and little black dresses. I'm also for remembering that a woman's right to reproductive freedom shouldn't be taken for granted. I just don't think that those are two great tastes that taste great together.

In honor of that right, I've just contributed to Planned Parenthood. Because I want to keep those wire hangers as history and a bad memory.

Drinking with my ladybrain, part 3

2011-10-10T01:46:34Z

My toy poodle hasn't been featured recently in these pixels (hey, I can't really say "in these pages," now, can I?) but she's always either on my mind or at my feet. I recently let my daughters take a stab assisting me with Ladybrain shopping at Incredible Wine & Spirits, one of our wine shopping mainstays. In loving tribute to our Reggie, they quickly zeroed in on this one:

While in most circumstances I'll say "French? Poodle? Wine? What could be bad?" I'll make an exception here, and say merely that if "I love the label" is your main criterion for purchase (and you love poodles too), this may be your wine. If you like good wine, however, this may not be your wine. It has less acid than I expect to see in a California Sauvignon Blanc, and its fruit fades quickly. I've drunk worse, though, and could see this being serviceable on a hot summer afternoon.

However, the back label gives me serious concern. A poem, "by" the wine's apparent mascot, Sark, (Sark?), contains this stanza:

Get Petted, Sleep Alot.

Did the wavy or dotted lines under "alot" in your word processing program not tip you off? My dog, thank you very much, can spell. In English and French, bien sur.

Either way, you win

2011-10-01T20:40:13Z

We are training our trademark specialists young. My 15 (and a half!) year-old spotted this cleverly-named Oreo variety at Target today:

Although I could not be enticed to purchase the cookies, I appreciate both my daughter's eagle eye and Nabisco's excellent name for this variation on the Oreo theme.

The scold

2011-09-25T21:51:13Z

Just because you can get away with a salacious product name doesn't mean you should. Effen vodka is one such name I've been annoyed about since I first saw it. The Effen reviews vary, but I think the real appeal must be asking for it at a bar. And while Suxx wine has been dubbed "a very fun fruit bomb" by wine critic Gary Vaynerchuk, the well-mannered, middle-aged suburban mom and lawyer in me really doesn't want to ask my wine merchant, "Do you have any Suxx?" Neither do I want to offer Suxx at my next party. Both names are just too much. They've eschewed any attempt at wit for pure shock value.

So I was even more shocked to see this at Ulta today:

When used in connection with hair, the term "blow" is customarily followed by "out" or "dry." While the omission of those terms arguably makes "blow" as a mark somewhat more protectable as a trademark (and I'll spare you the details), when I see "blow" alone, I think of two alternatives, neither of which has to do with hair, and both of which would make me uncomfortable to ask for the product - as uncomfortable as I'd be asking for Effen or Suxx, quite honestly. Or Head, for that matter.

Are you naming your product for shock value or to build an enduring brand? Remember the immortal words of David St. Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel: It's such a fine line between stupid and clever.

Out of the mouths of babes

2011-09-15T16:19:53Z

Last night my fifteen year-old hollered, "MOM! Is it 'Pet Smart' . . . or is it 'PETS MART'?" Well, dog my cats, as it were; I'd never thought about it that way. Yes, PetSmart is, like New Shimmer, both a floor wax and a dessert topping. Although the logo would suggest the former,

the latter interpretation works just fine!

Drinking with my ladybrain, part deux

2011-09-15T14:16:43Z

I tried. Really, I gave them more than the benefit of the doubt (and my Riedel stemless-ware). But these two wines just left me disappointed.

Lulu B pinot noir: cute, French - from Corsica. How could it be bad - we drank Corsican wines this summer and loved them. Middle Sister Rebel Red, a California zinfandel, merlot, cabernet sauvignon, syrah blend? Well, I have a middle sister, and I just love her. Both of these wines weigh in at a friendly 12.5% ABV, so I wouldn't fall face-down into my dinner, a fate that can befall me with hefty, port-like California syrahs and zinfandels.

But it was not to be. Lulu B had a disjointed nose and tasted like stale cough syrup, while Middle Sister had a powdery, incense-like flavor and a sour, skunky nose, like a cabernet franc gone very wrong. Both were very light-bodied, and both seemed dead on the palate, as if a step in the winemaking process had been omitted. I gave them time, and even sought corroboration from my husband, who only affirmed my perceptions.

Now, from the trademark perspective? I don't know who got there first, but this looks to me like a good example of trade dress infringement. I just don't know who's infringing whom. I could easily make a case for assuming there's a connection between the two brands, based on the similarity of the label designs. I might not win - don't get me wrong, these things are subjective - but I could certainly argue likelihood of confusion and pass the red face test.

From a brand perspective, I think Middle Sister goes a bit overboard: they use not only the distinctive Middle Sister house brand, but also a "sassy" varietal descriptor; here, the Rebel Red for the red blend, Wicked White for the white blend, Smarty Pants for chardonnay, Surfer Chick for sauvignon blanc . . . it goes on throughout the line, only reinforcing the girly nature of these wines.

Yes, it's clear that these wines target female consumers. But how about more emphasis on the wine and less on cutesy nomenclature? These two just made me sad, despite their cheerful names and labels. As with Cupcake, maybe I picked the wrong varietal in the line, and if you check CellarTracker, you do occasionally find positive reviews of some of these wines, so if anyone out there has a suggestion for a good one in these lines, let me know. So far, though, the female-friendly labels and marketing seem to be obscuring mediocre product.

But I shall soldier on, so stay tuned!

Lowbrow meets highbrow

2011-09-13T15:41:35Z

I like stupid wordplay as much as the next guy, and this one has tickled me since we moved to Denver:

The cognitive dissonance of "DAM Good" with Daniel Libeskind's architecture suits the wild west very nicely, thank you.

Plus, it's a very groovy museum. And kids like it too!

For my high school sophomore . . .

2011-09-02T16:56:16Z

. . . who loves Julian Casablancas and the Strokes, here's an article from Jezebel reporting on Azzaro's new men's fragrance, for which Casablancas is the spokesmodel. Or singsmodel.

Although I do fall into the demographic of middle-aged mom, I actually like the Strokes. Whether or not the scent is truly "the embodiment of rock and rebellion," I can't yet confirm, though I'm not so old that I wouldn't be qualified to determine it! But what I am qualified to address is the name of the new fragrance - Decibel. Yep, it's a winner. Arbitrary, suggestive, but not silly. Literally, I guess, you could say it's for the man who wants to make an audible statement. In addition, (and take note, marketers, because this one is really clever): the logo on the microphone-shaped bottle is dB, the abbreviation for decibel.

The website's story could use its purple prose pared back a bit, as well as its copy proofread (example: FREE YOURSELF FROM DICTATES, BURST OUT OF YOUR STRAGHTJACKET [sic], EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS) but all in all, it's a solid effort.

Conclusion: this one's a rock star among fragrance names.

Lawyers in love

2011-08-29T23:41:54Z

My husband and I have been married for 18 years. He is a trademark litigator, while I do trademark prosecution. We speak each other's unspoken language . . . fluently. (1)

So when I showed him this trademark layout on our toothpaste this morning (which appears on the toothbrush package below as well),

our trademark-addled minds simultaneously and seamlessly came to the same conclusion: the "with an extra" language had to have been added at the behest of a trademark lawyer. Is this statutory fair use? Can we realistically believe that the consumer sees that tiny print? Are they trying to elude an infringement challenge? Would this be a good exam question for law students? These are the types of questions that keep the Levy lawyers awake at night!

No, it's not a very glamorous existence, and yes, we do occasionally talk about other things, though our daughters would disagree. I will grant you that other two-lawyer couples with two daughters and a black and white fuzzy dog may be more prestigious and accomplished -

- but it's nice to know I married someone who doesn't find it weird when I read the toothpaste and in fact will grab it out of my hands to read it himself! You gotta keep the relationship lively!

_____________________

^{(1) Jackson Browne's song, by the way, is really not about lawyers at all, but it's a great song.}

Drinking with my ladybrain, debut edition

2011-08-19T02:14:20Z

Let me get this out of the way now: I am horribly allergic to almost anything that can be characterized as chick lit or a chick flick. Am I a snob? Yes. Do I make exceptions? Sometimes. [1] Does the mere mention of The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood drive me into a frenzy? Absolutely.

I really do hate how women are condescended to by marketers, how they think we only want to see romantic comedies with dreamy leading men who somehow find our vulnerability and clumsiness just adorable. Give me a Will Ferrell or Christopher Guest movie any day over the schmaltz of a Kate Hudson rom-com. And don’t get me started on Sex and the City. Books about four women and how their lives diverged after college? No. I read The Group when I was 15 and nothing else will come close, so I won’t even try that tired genre.

I could use a glass of wine after all that complaining, and I've barely scratched the surface. But how do I choose? After all, I'm just a girl, right? Aren't my purchasing decisions based on frills and bling and pink and sweet desserts, or on sly references to sneaking a drink with my galpals while the kids nap?

Yes, the wine industry has gone all-out to ensure that women know which wines are meant for us. One of the first to venture into the wine for women category was the seductively named Mad Housewife. I confess that I was quite taken by this one because the woman in their ad looks somewhat like me (albeit with airbrushing and much better nails):

I tasted one of their wines some time ago, and was not impressed. But there are lots more to choose from now - Bitch, Middle Sister, Lulu B, among many names that unequivocally say "this is girl wine."

But with cute names far from the usual Chateau Pretentieux, are these wines at all drinkable? Or are women once again doing more of the work for less of a payoff? Are we paying for marketing and cutesy names and getting an inferior product? So that's why I decided to cross-pollinate my interest in branding with my expanding wine knowledge and actually taste some of these wines.

First up on the list was a pinot grigio by Cupcake. Yep, because why not hop on that trend? The Cupcake brand is wholeheartedly dedicated to women – so much so that they have a link to "bridal headquarters" on their site. I can’t argue with their practice of offering interesting varietals from around the world under one brand – their pinot grigio hails from Italy, their sauvignon blanc from New Zealand, among others – but does the wine measure up in the glass when the consumer actually knows something about wine?

Well, not the pinot grigio. I tasted it before I read the copy on the back label of the bottle, and found it light-bodied and flabby, with less acid than I expect in a pinot grigio.

The label copy describes the wine as being like “a pear cupcake with white chocolate.” Well, I'll cede that point to the marketers – that's EXACTLY what it tasted like. Unfortunately, that's not at all what we want our pinot grigio tasting like! A respite of 15 minutes in the glass did the wine no favors at all – after that exposure to air, it tasted as if it had been diluted by half with water.

So, round one goes to the marketers and not the taste buds. The Cupcake pinot grigio will make a fine cooking wine.

Stay tuned for round two![2]

[1] I confess to loving Music and Lyrics, with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore, largely because of Hugh Grant's irresistible portrayal of an Andrew Ridgeley-esque washed-up half of a pop (or POP!) duo.

[2] For a fine use of "lady brain," see this seminal Daily Show report by Samantha Bee.

Tastes like ass (or Destination: France)

2011-08-10T17:50:07Z

What is it about France and the tuchis?

Here are two wines we encountered on our trip:

This one means "show your ass." After a visit to the labyrinthine and somber Patriarche caves in Beaune, where they've made wine for 230+ years, and after having a personalized tasting of high-end Burgundies we could never afford, thanks to the helpful Malika, we found this label incongruously bawdy.

Butt there's more . . . (sorry, I'm just getting back in the swing of teenage humor with my kids back from six weeks at camp!) Shopping for a picnic in Provence, we found this one:

Yes, this one is Shepherd's Ass thyme liqueur. Pourquoi, you ask? I don't know, and I didn't find out if either of these tasted like ass.

The moral of this story, if I can contort one from all this scatological material, is that our trip to France really inspired me to pursue some in-depth learning about French wine and wine in general. And that's nice, because in turn, I acquire more material for blogging. (I will certainly report back if I find out why French winemakers have ass on their minds.)

So stay tuned for more, particularly about wine nomenclature, a topic that's ripe for commentary!

Montre Cul photo from Why Travel to France (I thought I'd taken one but apparently had just a bit too much in the tasting room!)

Destination: Munich

2011-07-11T22:22:36Z

What I didn't divulge previously was that we reached France via Munich in a little zippy vehicle that within 30 minutes of exiting the BMW Welt, was motoring along at speeds that occasionally reached 110 mph. Don't look at me, I wasn't driving. (BTW, the BMW European Delivery program and the car's presentation to its new owners, along with a visit to the Welt and factory and museum, constitute one of the finest examples of how to sow brand loyalty I've ever experienced.)

But before our visit to the Welt, we spent a night in Munich and had dinner with old friends. As we were on our way to dinner, we encountered this example of how some brand names just don't translate:

Back in the hotel room, we witnessed an even more compelling example of not only how brands may not always translate, but how their marketing as well can perplex and even sometimes horrify:

Words failed me when I first found this in the minibar and fail me still.